


The White Room

by Koofins



Series: Dark Tide [4]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Comfort, Death, F/M, Hurt, Loss, Lots of Angst, spiritual stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 12:23:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9548876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koofins/pseuds/Koofins
Summary: L'hana finds herself in an all white room, meeting someone she never expected to see again. Will she go with them? Or will she leave behind everything she's ever dreamed of?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was a challenge sent to me by a good friend of mine that I have friendly writing competitions with. This also illustrates, I hope, what kind of a character L'hana is and part of her past. I hope you all enjoy and didn't like your feelings in one piece! I tried very hard to not only tug, but rip hearstrings to shreds here. 8D
> 
> Mood Music!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrP-0dIPlaA

**Glossary:**  
_Tii'lean Words/Pronunciation:_  
Tii'lean: Tai-LEEN. L'hana's species. A race of sentient humanoids with an abnormally strong connection to the Living Force  
L'hana: First daughter. Pronounced: Luh-HAHN-nah  
Kiit'jii: Dear one. Pronounced: Kite-jeh  
Jii: Love. Pronounced: jeh  
Tii’lee dhuit: All Father be with you. A greeting between loved ones. Pronounced: Tai-lee Gwitch

 _Mandalorian Words:_  
Re'turcye mhi: Goodbye; Maybe we'll meet again. Pronounced: ray toor shay me. (Used in context of one character picking up some of the culture)

\- - - -

The high-pitched keening in her ears died off slowly, and L’hana unfurled her body from the tightly tucked ball she’d been curled into. When she finally felt her eyes open, she thought for a moment she had gone blind. The thought scared her less than she’d considered it might. Her vision had always been important to her.

Eventually, she looked down at herself, and found the dark robes she had become accustomed to replaced with all-white Tii’lean garb. The kind she'd worn during her wedding, perhaps. Body-fitting clothing that she hadn’t worn in many years. Strangely, she did not question it.

There was little that worried her here. There was nothing, nothing but white, two white chairs, and two doors. L’hana pushed herself upright and wandered to the chairs, turning one of them to face the doors and seating herself comfortably as she watched. Waiting didn't bother her, not even knowing what she was waiting for seemed to irk her. 

_Is this what the Knight meant? The inner peace found with the Force?_ She found the very suggestion that she’d found this place amusing. The Knight had been convinced that L’hana could not escape that turmoil, that the hatred that consumed her could not be shaken. It made her smile, realizing that she had almost the entire galaxy fooled. Everyone except....

“What’s got you smiling like that, _Kiit’jii_?”

The first genuine reaction, the first true emotion she’d felt since finding herself in this white expanse lurched her into movement. L’hana shot to her feet, the chair knocked back by her sudden momentum as she stumbled away from the voice that had chuckled in her ear. Suddenly the scent of ozone and smoke filled her nostrils, and she hugged her arms tightly around her midriff, her back hunched as she refused to turn back towards the speaker.

“L’hana, come on.” Though he was speaking softly, his voice seemed to crowd her, and the emptiness of the white she found herself in pressed in on her. L’hana shivered, her fingers gripping the white tunic, her brow pinching in despair and fury.

“You. Aren’t. Here.” She hissed. He hovered close to her, and she knew that warmth like she knew the contours of her own palm, the steady beat of her heart. “No. You can’t be here.”

“Where do you think _here_ is?”

The challenge in his voice was what made her open her eyes. Her vision landed on the floor, solid and real beneath them. She almost expected to see his shadow, as she had the day before his death, crossing over hers as his hands moved to curl around her shoulders. She didn’t see them, and nearly jumped when his hands did just as they had done that day, and turned her to face him.

The smile reached his sky blue eyes before it touched his mouth. His hands, strong and sturdy, squeezed gently at her shoulders.

“ _Tii’lee dhuit, Kiit’jii_ ,” Leon said, his voice a rasp in his throat. L’hana’s grief pressed down against her, and any resolve she thought she might have had when she finally saw her husband again crumbled. She fell into his chest, her body trembling with the cries that could not come. Leon held her, broad arms shielding her against him, as they both sank to their knees.

“ _Jii, jii_ ,” L’hana choked out. Leon nuzzled against her hair, stroking her head as he shushed her, meaningless phrases one pressed to the fitful ear of a child caught in a nightmare. “Please, Leon, tell me this isn’t a dream.”

“It isn’t. This is real.”

“Creator,” she swore, pulling away from him. L’hana held onto his shirt still, watching him closely as she tried to accept what was happening. Eventually she shook her head. “It’s impossible. I felt you die. I felt....” The words she couldn’t force out stuttered in her own throat, trailing off into a pitiful whimper. Leon shook his head, running his hands over her head and pulling her against his chest again.

“ _Kiit’jii_ , you couldn’t stop what happened from happening,” he said, his voice rumbling against her. L’hana shut her eyes tight, clinging to her dead husband. “You mustn’t blame yourself. Not for any of this.”

“I could have done--”

“ _Nothing_ ,” Leon insisted. “There was nothing you could have done, _Kiit’jii_.”

“Are we in the After?” L’hana finally asked, her voice a trembling whisper. She felt Leon shake his head, and pulled back to stare up at him. “Then, how are we...?”

“Sometimes,” he said, when she trailed off, “Fate presents us with opportunities. The chance to reconnect with those we thought beyond our reach.” He smiled sadly, caressing her cheek. “You stand on the precipice of falling into the After, _Kiit’jii_. But Fate would give you a chance to tip the scales so they are balanced once more.”

“I...I don’t understand,” L’hana said, gently pulling away from her late husband. He watched her, carefully, before he shifted, his body moving so that she saw something other than the door in all of the white.

“Look, then,” he said, with the same patience he’d had when he was alive. “You’ll understand.”

She’d be lying if she didn’t admit that there was quite a bit of fear welling up in her as she did as he suggested. As she came closer to the shifting shape against one of the walls, it took on the form of one of the viewports she’d gotten so used to looking out through. Although now, instead of looking out at the universe as the ship careened through hyperspace, she saw--

“Is that me?!” she gasped, her hands covering her mouth. It was a grizzly sight. Her body lay in a heap, great irregular patches of her burnt off and her skin visibly steaming, like cooked meat. Holes could be seen all over her broken form, pieces of metal and other chunks of shrapnel buried into her flesh. But the worst of it was her head: Her left ear was completely gone, the skin blackened and almost burnt down to her skull.

As she watched, the aftershocks of whatever explosion had rendered her so ruined faded, and she saw movement from one corner of the window. Vette pulled herself, blood streaking across the floors as she bodily dragged her own broken body towards L’hana’s. The twi'lek paused, her head bowed and her shoulders trembling from the strain, before she began the grueling process of pushing herself to her feet. Despite the unnatural angle her right leg was twisted, she somehow managed, and hobbled over to where L’hana lay.

“I-I found her,” Vette all but croaked, her hand hand coming up to curl around her own throat and wincing. The effort to speak obviously pained her, and L’hana felt her chest tighten with guilt and alarm. From the same side of the room Vette had emerged from came Jaesa and Pierce, and carried between them was Malavai.

The four stood over her body, for what must have felt to them like hours. Each of them looked as though they’d been caught in the same blast that had ruined L’hana’s body, with Vette and Malavai having received the worst of it.

“Let me down,” the captain rasped. Pierce shifted, obviously uncomfortable from ignoring the request, before Quinn seemed to regain some of his strength. “I said release me, you damn oaf!” The huge man grunted when Quinn stomped, hard, on his boot, dropping him with a curse.

“If y’weren’t knockin’ on death’s door, I’d wring your scrawny little neck, Captain,” Pierce snarled. Jaesa glared at Pierce before she, too released Quinn, who hobbled over to L’hana’s body. Silence stretched between them as Quinn’s practiced hands moved quickly over his scanner, and he checked her vitals physically while their readings loaded. Sad, uncomfortable glances were shared as Malavai mumbled furiously to himself, pulling a medpak she hadn’t seen him use before out of his utility belt.

“Quinn, I don’t think that--”

It was a surreal experience for L’hana. In the room, she felt the sudden jolt of energy, and sucked in a shuddering breath. The ringing in her ears became unbearably loud all at once, and she winced as her body twitched in the vision through the window.

“Get her back to the ship,” Malavai said, his voice deathly calm.

“I don’t understand,” L’hana said, turning from the window at length. Leon watched the scene passively, his expression unreadable. L’hana reached out and placed her hand on his arm, and wondered if the warmth she felt there was a projection of what she wanted to feel. “Leon, is this a memory? I’ve been wounded before, and I’ve never been like....like this.”

“No,” Leon admitted. He took her hand in his and led her back to the chairs, sitting down opposite of her. “As I said before, Fate sometimes gives us opportunities.”

“Fate hasn’t been that kind to me, lately,” L’hana pointed out. Leon smiled sadly and nodded.

“I know, _Kiit’jii_ ,” he admitted. “I know. And that is not what I would wish on you.”

“What would you wish for me, Leon?” she asked him, fists curling against her thighs. She feared the answer even as she pressed on. “Would you have me continue along this path? It isn’t mine to take. We both know that.”

“Perhaps,” he said at length, “the path you’re meant to take is the one you forge on your own. L’hana.” He reached across them and placed his hand over one of her’s. “You were a good wife to me. You would have...would’ve been a great mother to our children. But that time is over. Our time is over. Whether or not it’s what Fate intended, you have managed to make your life your own. You’ve done what you had to do to get here. And while I understand that....”

“Others don’t,” she ventured. Leon smiled again, and shook his head.

“I cannot tell you where and how things will be when you have been where I have, _Kiit’jii_ , but I had to come here,” he said. “You have a choice. You don’t have to go into the After yet, L’hana.”

“But...Leon, how can I survive... _that_?!” she asked, shock filling her to the core. Leon smiled again turning his attention to the window. L’hana didn’t question how it had moved next to them, merely watched as the image beyond it took shape.

“You have a very good healer watching after you,” he explained.

She recognized the walls of the medbay instantly. The room was dark, with only the faint green glow of the bacta tank illuminating the small space. In the far corner of the room, she saw herself. Her own body lay on one of the beds, various monitors and tubes hooked up to or into her. The left side of her head looked strange, gauze wrapped tightly around her scalp and bulging where she knew her ear no longer was. Various measures had been taken to make sure that the damage done to her body was undone: strips of bacta, gauze strips, stitches sealing the holes she’d seen moments before.

Movement drew her attention again, as light spilled into the room, and in limped Quinn. She could only see his back, but could see that his right arm was in a sling, and he was favoring one leg. He gestured to something behind him, his voice low as he spoke.

“Leave us for a moment, Ce’na.”

“Sure, Malvai.” A pause. “Just...yell if you need anything, okay?”

“Thank you.” He waited until the door shut, plunging the room into darkness again. It was painful, watching him limp to the bed she occupied, knowing that whatever pain was causing his normally confident stride to falter was far worse than he was letting on. The last step stumbled, and he almost crashed onto the floor, barely catching himself on the foot of her bed with one arm. His breathing was heavy as he lingered there, his fingers twisted into the sheets and shaking as he tried to regain his strength.

“I can’t stand this much longer, love.” L’hana’s shoulders tensed, and she leaned towards the window. She’d never heard him so defeated...not even during his betrayal. As she watched, he slowly pushed himself upright. Though his strength seemed sapped, and he had to keep one hand on her bed as he limped around the corner to her side. The chair had one of his coats strewn across its back, brown stains and holes in the normally solid black fabric telling her it had been the same he’d been wearing during the explosion. 

Malavai stood next to the bed, his hand still fisted in the sheets as he stared at the wall across from him. Slowly, the military posturing failed him, his resolve crumbling before her very eyes. His shoulders heaved, his breathing still labored and uneven. Finally, he looked down at her, and L’hana felt her heart crumble and break when his normally stoic mask twisted into a miserable, bereaved expression, and tears filled his eyes. They rolled down his face, and for the first time, she heard him cry. A miserable sound scraped out of his chest, past his throat, and he tried to muffle it with his hand over his face. His body jerked with the force of it, and he bonelessly sank back into the chair, his head bowed as he sobbed at her side.

“L’hana, I don’t understand,” he choked out. His good hand slowly moved from his face to the bed, and his fingers hovered above her hand. As if he was afraid of breaking her. She realized why when she noticed the emaciated state she was in, and realized her body had likely gone through all of it’s energy stores trying to repair whatever damage had been done to her head. “I’ve done everything in my power to bring you back. _Everything_. But I can’t. I _can’t_. And I won’t let you die. Don’t you understand?” His hand finally curled around hers, gently holding it in his grasp, and his eyes searched her face desperately. “The others need you. The crew needs you. I need you. Creator preserve me, I’ve never wanted anything so desperately in my life...but if you made it back to me, I would never want anything ever again.”

He broke down again, and L’hana turned away from the window. Her own face was now a little more than damp with tears, and she ground her teeth in an attempt to keep from crying out loud.

“You have life yet to live, _Kiit’jii_ ,” Leon said softly. “Not just for them. For yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, hardly understanding why. Leon chuckled, squeezing the hand he still covered with his own.

“He’s a good man,” he said. “I couldn’t have dreamt anything better for you.” His expression darkened briefly. “Though, if he shows his belly to Baras again, I might just have to find a way to make him suffer for it.”

L’hana laughed, despite the fact that she knew her late husband would make good on his word. Somehow, she knew.

“How long have I been...gone?”

“Nearly two months now,” he said. L’hana blinked rapidly, trying to wrap her head around the notion.

“But it doesn’t feel like...it’s only been minutes since I got here,” she said, frowning.

“Imagine how I feel,” he said, giving her a lopsided grin. “I’ve been here for two years, I think? But it only feels like moments ago.” He sighed, a wistful sound as he leaned back in his chair. He watched the window, seeing something entirely different than what L’hana could see, before turning back to her once more. “Time passes differently here. But this meeting,” he gestured between them, “has almost run it’s course. You have to decide, _Kiit’jii_.”

“...can’t you be a little less like you were?” she croaked, her smile faltering as tears fell again. “You’re not making this easy for me.” Leon’s own smile twitched, and there was sadness there as he glanced away.

“No, I don’t suppose I am,” he said, running a hand over his head. “But you know me. Never knew how to keep my heart from showing.” He sighed heavily, his breath hitching slightly from the tears she knew he was holding back. “I don’t think I was meant to leave yet. But...it happened, just the same. I can’t question it. Not if I want to be here to walk you into After.” He smiled bravely at her, tears making his eyes brighter than before. “That’s what we said when we were promised, remember? Even if I can’t walk with you in life, I will walk with you in the After, _Kiit’jii_. Wherever it takes us.”

“I know you will,” L’hana said, her voice barely above a whisper. She covered his hand with hers, and opened her mouth to say something else. Movement from beyond the window caught her eye, and she turned to watch as Malavai jolted out of his seat. One of the monitors let out a long droning noise, and Malavai shouted for help as he tossed back the sheets and frantically began trying to resuscitate her.

“You must decide now, L’hana,” Leon said. There was no rush in his voice. Dully, L’hana could feel her heartbeat slowing, its laborious efforts to keep her body alive becoming weaker and weaker.

“Please!” Malavai shouted into the empty room. It seemed as though his cries were falling on deaf ears. Maybe the others heard him, but had given up. “L’hana, don’t do this. Don’t you dare go where I can’t follow! Love, _please_!”

“Leon,” she rasped. “Leon, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Leon said. The white began to fade around them, into black. L’hana sucked in a panicked gasp as she jerked her hand away from Leon, standing abruptly. He nodded behind her, and she turned towards the door. The other had disappeared, and when she turned back to window, it too had gone. Only Leon remained, as the blackness reached towards him, and L’hana’s legs moved her in the direction of the doors. He smiled at her, and it twisted her heart as she reached for the handle. “Live well, L’hana.”

“ _Re'turcye mhi_ , Leon.”  
\---  
On the hospital bed, L’hana’s body jerked. Her eyes flew open.

And she breathed, on her own, in one great, shuddering gasp.


End file.
